I had a different blog post written and ready to go today, but life turned upside down here this weekend and it will have to wait for a different day.
I live in Aurora, Colorado. If that doesn’t ring a bell you haven’t been watching the news. I’ve been here two years. I love Colorado and I have come to love Aurora. It is the biggest city I’ve ever lived in and incredibly diverse, which is one of the things I love. More than 50 languages are spoken here. Beyond that, it’s a city like any other.
Until Friday. At 12:30 Friday morning a person (who shall not be honored with a name) opened fire in a movie theater, killing 12 and injuring 71. And wounding the hearts and spirits of thousands more.
I am thankful not to have been there and thankful that neither my children nor the youth with whom I am privileged to work did not go either. But they had friends who went. And some of those friends were among the dead and the wounded.
This isn’t about the facts of what happened. Unless you live under a rock you probably know the facts. You know about the guns and the bullets and the bombs and the booby traps. I’d be perfectly happy never to hear about those things again.
Today was the first day I spent with my youth (I am a church youth leader). They talked about Friday and talked and talked. I think they would have talked all day. My heart hurt for them. I could not do anything to shelter them from the pain of a world turned upside down, but it is my job to help them turn it right side up. And the only way I know to do that is to listen.
Just listening can solve a multitude of problems. For teens, especially girls, one of the most common ways they process things is by talking about them. But talking isn’t going to help them unless there is someone there to listen. Thankfully, I’ve had a lot of practice at listening over the years (I’ve been working with youth & teens nearly all of my adult life).
Here are a few of things I have learned about how to be a better listener.
Don’t interrupt
Allow the speaker to finish what they have to say before you respond. Cutting them off tells them that you are more interested in what you have to say than what they do.
Pay attention to both the verbal and non-verbal communication
Listen not only to the words, but also to the body language. Observing carefully while listening fully can tell you far more than words alone.
Suspend your judgment
If we listen without judging we often understand far more than we would otherwise.
Avoid external distractions—be present in the moment.
Listening is active. If you are busy thinking about what you’re going to say or what you’re going to fix for dinner or making a mental grocery list, you aren’t listening.
Don’t be in a rush to respond.
Silence is ok. In fact, it is an essential part of listening. When you wait until the other person is done speaking and then take a few moments to carefully compose your response you’ll find you end up with a much more thoughtful and productive conversation.
Ask Questions
If you don’t understand the speaker’s position or what they’re saying, politely ask questions to get clarification. Paraphrasing their words is an excellent way to do this. Thoughtful questions can only be formed through thoughtful listening.
How are your listening skills? What are some of your best tips for being a better listener? Please share your thoughts and ideas in the comment section below.
This are useful reminders that should be taught to children first. For me, if these steps are implemented in the classroom situation, it will probably be carried on until they age.
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We don’t have to look too far, Marie, to find an instance where we were half listening when someone’s underlying message was one we should have paid more attention to. Thank you for the comprehensive list. And, how fortunate those young people are to have a master listener in their lives …
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God bless you Marie and all you do to help others! Through social media we are all connected they say now at 5 degrees…we all need to just stop and remember that we are all human and we would have a much better world if we would just remember to love instead of hate. Awesome post Marie!
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Great tips on listening. I feel that this is something I can always improve upon, especially with my spouse. Thanks for sharing.
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these are great tips and something I have to teach couples that are making relationship issues. It’s amazing how easy it is to fix a relationship with good communication. Very nice Marie!
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Asking Questions is so important! Great way to get make the person talking know you are interested and way to engage! Always awesome Marie!
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I love your tagline – Success Without Stress. Great article, too. I am trying to get my kids to learn to be better listeners. Ha!
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This is such a great article , Marie. I can’t begin to imagine what your community is going through. What a blessing that you are present for those who need your listening skills. Thank you.
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My heart goes out to your community. Love the post Listening is the base of communication. This tip resonated with me, “If we listen without judging we often understand far more than we would otherwise.”
I can not imagine what a difficult time this is for your community . . . the kids are blessed to have you to talk to and that you listen with love.
After going through some bumps and upset with my son in adolescence, I committed to finding a better way to communicate. I shut up. It was miraculous what that did for our relationship. We have great communication because I listen. He’s 16 year-old not 2. I treat him with respect and although I don’t always agree with him I don’t jump in with ‘words of wisdom’. I ask, “do you want to know my opinion or do you just want me to listen?” Nearly 100% of the time he wants to know my opinion. I believe it’s because I listen.
Thanks for all you do Marie . . .
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Isn’t it amazing what just listening, really listening, can do for our relationships? I have found that just listening without interruption or judgment has eliminated many of the challenges of the teenage years. So far, we have made it through two teens without any major drama or crises and the next two seem headed down the same road. I definitely credit with our habit of encouraging listening.
These are wonderful tips..thanks for posting them, Marie!
oops…I didn’t understand that I my blog post would be mentioned….
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That’s ok, Meryl. Your blog posts are always worth mentioning. We definitely want to include them.
Oh my gosh, Marie… the children you are helping are so very lucky to have you. These are wonderful, important tips — one I often forget is “Don’t be in a Rush to Respond” — people often don’t (or aren’t ready) for a solution — they just want to say it, to get it out there. Thank you for sharing these.
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First of all, let me say my heart is broken for your community. Second, as someone who has raised three sons and worked closely with youth, I understand what you are saying and I hope younger parents will take heed. Kids just need someone who will hear them. Really take the time to listen and let them vent. It can mean all the difference in how they are molded. Thanks for a wonderful post!
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I too had no idea that you are from Aurora Marie! Such tragedy that happened and then to listen to the stories of these young people. Especially in situations like these, it is very important that we listen, what else is there to do? Listening can be very comforting at that moment. I must say I haven’t gone through anything like that; it must an incredible experience.
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wonderful tips… I would love to share with specific people, but wouldn’t want to offend them! (Haha) I know I need these reminders, too.. thank you!
Marie this post brought tears to my eyes. What an awful tragedy to have happened on your doorstep. When trauma strikes there’s so many questions and having someone to listen to them even if they don’t know the answer can be so helpful to healing.
Prayers for you and your family. Take care.
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I had no idea you were from Aurora Colorado, I can imagine how you are feeling. I lived in NY when the 911 attack occurred and I can imagine that you guys are having that same eerie feeling we felt that day in NY. It is great that you are there to listen to the youth, I am sure you are making a great difference in their lives.
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My sister lived in NYC at 9/11. Though I think it was much more traumatic for her, it is a similar feeling. My first thought was for the safety of friends and family, especially my “girls.” We will definitely be happy when we are no longer headline news.
Great article, and so important to let those teens talk it out. In college, I majored in Social work, and a few of us were assigned to volunteer at a high school… that semester, one student opened fired in that school..
There is no words for what happened in this case of back then, but it is pretty amazing to see how a community comes together in support afterwards. I will be sending thoughts your way and for them.
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Marie, my heart goes out. I know what it is like to be amongst tradgedy as I was in the midst of Hurricane Katrina. Though my immediate family was not harmed or directly effected, there were times where I’d be at a restaurant and while in the bathroom have women who I had never met crying on my shoulder. The devastation was vast. There was times I just had to listen. That is what people needed. It’s great that you are taking the time to listen to the youth. Thank you for all that you do!
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I cannot imagine going through such a widespread tragedy, Angela. I’ve met a few people who went through that and came here to start over–how difficult that would be. And I agree; I think what most people need is just to be listened to. When we care enough to listen, even if there is nothing else we can do, it is a validating experience for those who need to be heard and can bring them some peace just to know they aren’t alone.
Great tips Marie. I can’t help but think that if more people took the time to really listen to those around them, such tragedies might be prevented. Your youth group is lucky to have you there to care about them and listen to them. (((Hugs))) and thoughts and prayers to you and everyone there.
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I definitely agree, Helena. Really listening and really seeing those around us could prevent or solve so many problems. We could all benefit from a little more caring.